These feelings I have, they scare me a lot
So when people ask, I pretend that they're not
Not part of me, or in my mind
But honestly, they're now along for the ride
These feelings I have, I don't want them at all
Not even if he's really tall
What if he loves the Lord like I?
Well gee, that kind of makes me want to cry
But still I'm stuck, hiding from them
But what if I let myself feel?
What then?
...
Brains fascinate me. People fascinate me. Mainly myself. Nothing I say, think, or do is logical. You'd think I would at least be able to understand myself? But no. The opposite actually. I understand other people more than I understand myself. Particularly when it applies to matters of the heart.
Often times I find myself wondering "what is wrong with me?" I'm sure it's a question we can all relate to. The funny thing about the human mind is that we're always learning more about it. I heard somewhere that the percentage of our brains that we actually use is quite low. It makes sense doesn't it? Considering the fact that we never stop learning from the day we are born, to the day we die, makes it much more logical (haha see what I did there?) that we use so little of our brains at any given time, considering there is so much stored in them?
Despite the amount used, I love picking apart people's brains. But not my own. Not even I can understand my own brain. But rather the confusing part is the brain to heart combo, and when the two of them decide to conspire against me. Looking back over the years at the people I have liked, it really makes me question my own sanity sometimes. Granted, some of them aren't per say, bad, but the whole situation still confuses me.
Love is a funny thing that so few people actually understand; dare I even say, no one truly does. Love is confusing. Love is chaotic. Love is anything but simple most of the time... though you could argue if it follows that criteria, is it really love? Now I could go on and on analyzing love itself, but for right now, that isn't the point.
But my love life is an absolute mess. I know, I know, I'm only 17 (almost 18), and plenty of people have it much more chaotic than I do with all their flings, and almosts, and the talking stage... which do not even get me started on that right now.
ANYWAYS, my mess mostly has to do with my own brain. You see, because of my past, and the relationships I have observed over the years, and the atmosphere I grew up in... my poor little brain doesn't know how to handle it all.
Let's just say, I have an extreme tendency to overthink, and I can tend to spin simple things, into a huge overcomplicated mess, but in the end somehow manage to come out on the other end with some sort of a life lesson... (oh my word! I sound like an early (ish) 2000's Disney Channel sitcom)
My point is, my brain, and my experiences have caused for some interesting stories that some of the time I am quite embarrassed to tell. Not because I did anything bad, or stupid (well that all depends on who you ask actually), or anything like that, but the way I handled things sometimes makes me really wish my brain had a temporary "off" switch... or at least an embarrassment eraser!
Lucky for me, over the years, like I said, I have been able to learn from my mistakes, and then make different ones the next time. But that's the thing about life, you are always learning something. Every experience shapes the next, sometimes in a good way, and sometimes in a not-so-good way.
If I am being completely honest with you, my love life hasn't been that crazy, I'm just simply dramatic. I mean sure the first dude I really liked, ended up being a total jerk to me... but what do you expect? I was a freshman, and his name was Jake... (big red flag there (just kidding, I am not namist)). I learned from that ... even if it was just to avoid guys named Jake (again for legal purposes, I'm joking). The next dude? He actually is pretty decent, and we're still friends for the most part, but ... let's just say that it didn't work out, and to this day I'm still a little bit embarrassed by it all. And then the one who originally inspired this post, but because I procrastinate all that is now over too... also didn't go so well, and I don't even think I could consider us friends in the first part, and we really aren't now because he lost a lot of my respect in the end.
But all jokes aside, over the years of my failed heart happenings, I have learned quite a bit. But one of the things in the past year especially I have learned has been that I have begun to fear feelings. Not just the bad ones, but the good ones too, because if I let the good feelings in, then it leaves room for it to turn sour.
This doesn't only apply though to romantic feelings. I have begun to realize that while I am obviously afraid of those, I am just as afraid of loving people in general, and letting myself be loved. This includes (and emphasizes) friendships as well.
Not only have I been rejected now by a few different dudes, but I have had equally (in fact more,) failed friendships. And over time the loss of love (or like in the gentlemen's cases), has lead to a fear of being/giving love.
That's where today's poem goes into place. Originally it started with the processing of my feelings towards a guy. When I noticed I was beginning to have a crush on him, I freaked out. It was exhilarating, but terrifying. Not too long after that I went through a really bad best friend break up, and then eventually I was sort of rejected by said dude as well. Now I was even more afraid of having feels, and/or opening myself up to another person -friendship, or otherwise.
Over the years though, through a lot of people walking in and out of my life, I have learned to cope through words. Poetry specifically, and in fact, it is the one time where I am no longer afraid to feel, but let myself get it all out. I find a peace in the rhyming of emotions and to put feelings into a way that makes them sound elegant, instead of what they actually are... messy. And along with that, I have discovered a love of sharing those poems in the hopes that someone else may relate, or at least I can know that I made them think. But mostly, I love to share my thoughts with others who want to listen, with the knowledge that to them my words may mean something more.
I am a storyteller. I love painting pictures in people's brains with the dramatic way my voice cracks as though I'm trying my best not to laugh (or sometimes cry). I love explaining images in such detail, it feels as though all your senses are experiencing it too. I love being vague with my words letting your brain carry on with what was left unsaid. I love the way the words line the page and tell a story in a new unique way. But most of all I love the fact that words are words, but words are not simply, just words.
To me it's life, but to you it may mean death. To me it's the end, but for you it may simply be the beginning.
Like I said before... People fascinate me. Brains fascinate me. The way that each one is so intricately unique, forged by fires built by different sources of heat.
But I still find myself frustrated by the heat that forged my own fires. The experiences that shaped who I am up until this point of where I am at, and the battles I have had to lose to create in me such a mental confusion, and fear of recreating such draining events.
While I am grateful for the lessons that I have learned, and the good parts they have created in the person those experiences have shaped me to be, but at the end of the day, all the heartbreak that I have had to endure has shaped another part of me; A part that is now afraid of love.
The heat that built me formed parts of me that are beautiful, but it also burnt parts of my innocence. The best parts of me, which has never been hurt, and which could love without hesitation, and blindly believe that I am loved, and I am worthy of love.
Because of the scalding heat of the fire in which my brain has been formed, I have begun to fear the heat, and anything that may melt. So I began the process of protecting myself, and turning my heart into stone. Hardened by the disbelief of the possibility of ever being loved, building upon the fear of loving unreciprocated again.
Eventually I began to realize the danger of the fireproof shields I was trying to form, for without the access to the heat, there would never be a new shape, only a cosmetic cover over the burns.
In the end, nothing was solved, only the pondering of the above question, "But what if I let myself feel? What then?" And the answer I came up with, which though I hoped would not be true, I was deep down already convinced... And despite my best efforts at fire-proofing my heart, my fears ended up being affirmed...
...
Then I'll get hurt, I know it for sure
If I open up the "feelings" door
Because once my heart opens up to another
New feelings of heartache will soon be discovered.
"Why are you scared?"
Someone once asked me
"Because love is something only in fantasy."
"Do believe you're loved?"
She asks again,
"I believe I'll be loved when I'm in heaven"
"Do you think it's possible?"
Her eyes grew sad,
"It wasn't even possible for my own dad".
...
-Truthie M.
A lot of what people say is nothing, but it's the emotion behind the nothing that makes it something -